EXCLUSIVE: US GENERAL LAYS OUT AUDACIOUS PLAN TO HAVE TAIWAN INVADE CHINA IN 2024
TAIWANESE ‘CITIZEN’S ARMY’ TO LAND AT THE BAY OF SWINE, NEAR HONG KONG
By Frances Hodong
Radio Free Ozarks Washington, DC Reporter
May 17th, 2023
China will face an invasion force of Taiwanese irregulars and Chinese exiles in the spring of 2024, under a joint US and Taiwanese plan that is secretly underway. Citizens in Taiwan are currently being recruited and trained to launch a coastal attack, scheduled to land on a beach near Hong Kong. From this beachhead, the plan assumes that few shots will be fired, with mass desertions by a demoralized Chinese Red Army. This knockout punch of a people’s invasion would hypothetically lead to a surrender by the ruling Chinese Communist Party (CCP) and new, democratic elections following by late 2025.
Radio Free Ozarks received an exclusive briefing on this audacious operation from Brigadier General Hammond Q. Stoveboult, a 1.5-star general with the US Joint Chiefs of Staff’s Office of Future Wars. This exclusive briefing was arranged by an old friend in The ServiceTM. In the interests of operational security, the briefing was not held at the media center within the Pentagon. Rather, the Radio Free Ozarks reporter met with Gen. Stoveboult over lunch at a nearby Wendy’s. Over a meal of square hamburgers and Frostys, General Stoveboult reflected on his 40-year career in the US Army and displayed the deep operational insight he is bringing to bear against America’s biggest adversary.
“I was a junior officer at the Pentagon during America’s greatest military triumph of the 1980’s, the liberation of Grenada,” Stoveboult began, after grabbing some extra napkins. “I worked under and learned from our nation’s best senior military strategists. They navigated our nation’s armed forces through faraway conflicts. Places like Vietnam, Beirut, [and] Somalia. My first day on the job in 1980 I was thrown into the deep end with planning our Iranian hostage rescue mission. When it was my turn to lead, I was proud to continue the tradition in Iraq and Afghanistan. And now, with our partners in the CIA and Taiwan we’ve worked day and night putting together this plan to solve the China problem once and for all. No detail left to chance.”
Gen. Stoveboult held up a french fry, for emphasis. “Simply put, the Chinese people yearn to shake off the rule of the Chinese Communist Party. They yearn for the freedom, prosperity, celebrity gossip and streaming TV shows that a democratic society provides. They are weary from the authoritarian rule of the old tyrants and bullies at the head of the party. There was a China before the CCP came to power and there will be a China after the CCP is removed from power.
“We have deep intelligence sources inside China who have assured us that their military is a paper tiger. Decades of their One Child policy have made for soldiers who are their parents’ only child, unwilling to put themselves in harm’s way. Unwilling to fight. They’ve laid down their weapons and cried like babies in their little border skirmishes with India, up in the mountains. We can state with a firmly strong degree of confidence that 99% of the Chinese troops will surrender and then join us. They will turn their tanks and missiles and artillery around and become part of a force of freedom.”
Stoveboult described an invasion plan that has been in the works for approximately two years. Some details remain classified. The plan’s partners in the CIA are recruiting a true People’s Army in Taiwan. “It’s going well,” Stoveboult noted. A number of commercial pleasure cruise boats and fishing vessels are being chartered to serve as transports. Agents in Taiwan have been scouring the harbors and writing checks on the spot.
Within Taiwan, a stealth marketing campaign is underway, with an advertising agency retained to conduct a discrete social media recruitment drive aimed at the country’s youth, along with a “stealth” billboard campaign. Stoveboult said that the recruitment drive was emphasizing the “coolness” aspect of joining up (yes, he made air quotes, while holding a Frosty spoon), and not making any overt appeal to duty or patriotism. For two hours every other weekend the recruits first warm up with light calisthenics, then are drilled in urban combat using firearms and/or spears, with a special emphasis on integrating deserters from the other side, along with basic training in first aid and casualty evacuation.
“When it all goes down the new People’s Army of Taiwan plans to make landing in southeast China. No (expletive) (expletive), they will invade China. And looking at the tide tables and moon phases, and working with the Old Farmers Almanac, the time of the invasion will be 5:20am on March 23rd, 2024, and the place we have chosen is at the Clear Water Bay Second Beach on the east side of Hong Kong. They call it Clear Water Bay now, but in British colonial times it had a bunch of hog farms all around it. The local peasants sarcastically called it ‘Most Exalted Porcine Ocean.’ The British sailors just called it The Bay of Swine. But we’re sticking with tradition and calling our plan Operation Porcine Ocean.”
Questioned about revealing the exact time and place of the planned invasion, Gen. Stoveboult did not back down. “Taiwan will attack at the time and place of our choosing. I don’t care if the enemy knows this. It only serves to put the screws to the CCP. You’re not a communist, are you?
“Look, our wargamers have been doing a full Monte Carlo simulation of this campaign. Our wargamers, which includes my 13-year old nephew and his friends, they are the best in the world. Fully versed in modern air and sea warfare tactics, and in the use of miniatures and the newest d20 rules system.
“The most obvious place to make a landing would be near Hong Kong and the vast manufacturing sector of Shenzhen nearby. I assure you, the people of Hong Kong are 100% on our side. Our gamers have determined that a spring campaign should establish a beachhead in southeast China. There would be a pause of a few months to get the men and materiel mustered into our army, but the combined manufacturing resources of Hong Kong and Shenzhen are committed to our liberation effort. So if you’re looking to buy anything from Harbor Freight Tools you should do it sooner rather than later.
“We believe that this expanded People’s Army can work its way on a long march northward, up the big coastal cities, through the industrialized zones. Shanghai falls with no shots fired. We are greeted as liberators, with flowers and gratitude. Then the massive Taiwanese People’s Army lays in for the winter on the outskirts of Beijing. Beijing has a few months to consider its options, before their residents imprison the entire CCP leadership structure and surrender. A people’s liberation. Uyghurs included. A true people’s springtime in 2025.
“Plus, I have assured our Taiwanese People’s Army leadership that they can expect full consideration of US air support, to be made at the highest level of US government. There’s a saying in the US Army that we don’t take a dump without air support, so we’ll certainly make a good faith effort to assess the situation on the ground and brief the US Air Force and the President at that time, if the situation warrants.”
General Stoveboult finished his Frosty, and the briefing, with a veiled warning. “Anyone who is not with us is against us. Anyone who is not with us gives comfort to the enemy. We have been criticized internally by some members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and an investigation on my part is uncovering a pattern of communist sympathy and possible homosexual influences among those who criticize us. Are you going to criticize us?”
Editor’s Note: Radio Free Ozarks reached out to the regular Taiwanese Army, officially known as the Republic of China Army, for comment. At press time, a spokesperson for the Taiwanese Army denied any knowledge of any invasion plan, official or private, and derisively suggested that the idea seemed like a lame attempt at humor or satire. Can you believe that?