ASTONISHING NEW REPORT: WAS BOBBY PETRINO’S MOTORCYCLE CRASH IN 2012 CAUSED BY TIME TRAVELERS FROM THE FUTURE?
A RADIO FREE OZARKS OVERLY LONG SCIENCE FEATURE
By Roy G. Shiv
Radio Free Ozarks Science Reporter
April 1st, 2022
10 years on, a new review of science data and text message data has unearthed startling evidence that former Arkansas Head Football Coach Bobby Petrino’s motorcycle accident on April 1, 2012 was the result of an intervention by time travelers from the future. The identity of those responsible for this action remains under investigation, but their motivation in 2012 seems clear: to knock the Razorback football program back on its ass for a minimum of 5-8 years. Moreover, the conspirators’ text messages sent before the motorcycle crash provide tantalizing hints of a shadowy, coordinated effort against the Hogs that possibly dates back several decades.
[Editor’s Note: The fallout from Coach Petrino’s accident that day is too embarrassing to recount here, and is left as an exercise for the reader.]
For the past 19 years a little-known research project in the University of Arkansas’ Metaphysics Department has been gathering data in search of a “global consciousness, a shared awareness among humans that peaks at times of momentous events that affect the entire world. Major world events such as 9/11, the Indian Ocean Tsunami in 2004, and Pink Floyd’s 2005 reunion may possibly leave a signal in the noise of combined human consciousness. These peaks can even start to build before events that have no warning, suggesting a shared foreknowledge that cannot be explained by current physics. By gathering data over a span of decades, researchers hope that a valid working theory may emerge.
Modeled after Princeton University’s longstanding Global Consciousness Project, Arkansas’ smaller-scale version and other similar projects worldwide regularly share their data. A set of random number generators (RNGs) normally produce nothing but a contant noise of random data points between 0 and 100, yet at times of major global events the output of these RNGs tend to “run up against the rails” and produce distorted number distributions, usually approaching 100 but on rare occasions approaching 0. These alignments between completely separate RNGs are, in theory, statistically impossible.
The University of Arkansas’ research project is led by Dr. Gavin Roach, out of a small research lab housed in the basement level of the Chi Omega Greek Theater on the Fayetteville campus. Dr. Roach described his research program during an open house tour of the lab. This Radio Free Ozarks reporter was the lab’s only visitor during the open house.
“Like several other universities, we’re running our own set of random number generators,” Dr. Roach explained. “We have about 11 RNGs located around the state, mostly the campuses within the U of A system. One is at a retired professor’s house out by Big Flat but it hasn’t been working lately for some reason. We are loosely affiliated with the Global Consciousness Project and the projects at the other universities, in that we exchange data and send each other alerts when our network of RNGs appears to spike. And we meet up at Burning Man. We’ve had our system up and running since 2003. The devices mostly sit and do their thing quietly. But when there’s a statistically significant convergence, maybe once every year or two, we get an alert and we turn on CNN and hold on tight.”
Dr. Roach pulled up a series of data graphs on his computer. “There’s been a surprisingly strong correlation between the biggest convergences and major world events. We only started taking data in 2003. There have been 12 or so instances where the convergence approached 100, some of which preceded major world events that had no warning. The Indian Ocean Tsnunami. The Fukishima Tsnuami. The raid that killed Osama bin Laden. We had a peak in the first week of March 2020, ahead of the pandemic. There was a major peak on the morning of January 6th last year. We think our system is set up and working consistently.”
“But since we started taking data, there have been exactly two instances where the convergence approached 0. The imbalance between instances approaching 100 and instances approaching 0 is troubling by itself. The first convergence towards 0 happened in the afternoon on April 1, 2012, starting right after 4pm. I was in my office working on a grant application. The random number generators started converging and I was expecting some earth-shaking event to go along with it. I initially wondered if someone was playing a joke on me because it was April 1st. But no, it was the first time I had seen a convergence that approached 0. I turned on CNN and was watching Twitter closely and holding on to my hat for a couple of hours. The numbers seemed to slowly recover, but there was another major dip around 6:30pm, followed by a quick return to a nominal random distribution within about 15 minutes. Strangest of all, I checked with Princeton and the other programs and none of their RNG networks had a convergence that day. Only recently did I learn what caused this.
“The other convergence approaching 0 happened on the afternoon of October 25th, 2016. It was so conspicuous because it happened right ahead of two other convergences approaching 100: the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series on November 2nd of that year and Donald Trump pulling an upset win for the presidency on November 8th. A cluster of convergences like that was unheard of. I wasn’t used to having more than one in a 2-year period, and here I had three within two weeks. And again, that convergence approaching 0 did not correspond with an identifiable world event. Still utterly unique, because this time Princeton’s and everybody else’s RNGs showed that same convergence towards 0.”
If all this expository information bores you, enjoy this picture of a really attractive lady, then please keep reading.
“The keys to the kingdom, the mother of all breaks, was late last year,” Dr. Roach continued. “I was able to access a new research program run by the NSA. They maintain a database of every SMS text message ever sent, and law enforcement and academic researchers can make a search request if it is very narrowly defined in its scope. Sent or received within about a 50 mile radius of any US-based location, and within a time span not to exceed more than eight hours. Imagine that, every text message ever sent. For legitimate research purposes only. Honest. The texts can be searched through an encrypted NSA interface. For us academics all of the identifying headers are stripped away, and we can’t download any data because, to hear the NSA explain it, what they are doing is illegal as (expletive).
“I thought I’d start with the October 25th, 2016 incident. I asked to search the four hours before and after the convergence, centered on Cleveland, Ohio because the World Series started there that day. The NSA came back and told me that all texts for the three weeks before and after the November 8th election were not available due to national security concerns.
“So I moved on to the April 1st, 2012 convergence. I asked to search the four hours before and after the convergence, centered on Fayetteville, Arkansas. Fayetteville was a guess, because our RNGs in Northwest Arkansas showed a slightly stronger convergence than the ones in other parts of the state. There were more than 6 million text messages in our search window, and I didn’t know what I was looking for. I started at 4:03pm, where the convergence started, and worked my way backwards chronologically.
“So many ordinary texts. Families and friends chatting and meeting up on a Sunday afternoon. Pictures of food. Pictures of kids. Bored college kids sexting. Sentence fragments with no context. Some automated texts, but nothing like today. Nothing unusual seen. If it weren’t for the sexting pics I might have given up. So I tried moving forwards from 4:03pm. And I hit paydirt.”
“A series of texts, like spies talking, but if one of them was somehow part computer. The strange wording, in all caps, from the computerized agent is what made me stop and take notice. The NSA assigns ID numbers to unique senders, so through repeated ID searches I was able to read the entire text message chain. Like I said, I couldn’t download the data, but if I can see it on the screen I can take pictures of it with my cell phone. Don’t tell the NSA I said that.”
Based on images provided by Dr. Roach, Radio Free Ozarks has reconstructed the entire text message thread:
Dr. Roach sighed deeply and lit up his pipe. “And there you have it, some sort of deep conspiracy to, at the very least, ruin the career of our humble football coach who was just out getting his jollies on a Sunday afternoon. They hid their identities using code words. Those unique sender ID numbers do not appear anywhere else in our text message data set. And the NSA would not let me to expand the time range.”
Dr. Roach explained his working hypothesis: that while convergences approaching 100 are naturally-occurring events of world significance, convergences approaching 0 represent a type of outside interference. “Not the hand of God, for reasons I will make clear another time, but rather the work of people with foreknowledge of an event,” Roach said, drawing deeply from his pipe a fragrant blue smoke. “Not any strange inter-dimensional beings, for reasons that I will also explain next time. I mean human beings who are living in our future and are choosing to alter past events. Time (expletive) travel.
“Through some snooping on the Athletic Department secure server, I recently obtained some photos taken right after Coach Petrino had his accident,” Dr. Roach said, pulling up an image on his computer. “Not publicly available then or now. They were anxious to sweep it under the rug. This photo was taken literally a couple of minutes after it happened. The coach and his honey had just been picked up by someone driving by. And I could not believe my own eyes. No one had ever noticed, it seems.” In a photo of the crash scene, showing a red motorcycle that had skidded off the highway, Dr. Roach pointed to the woods to the right. There, some sort of creepy mechanical humanoid being was indeed visible.
“My data only goes back to 2003 so I only have the two convergences to 0. I wish I could see the messaging data regarding 2016, but so much communication had moved away from texts by then. And the NSA won’t allow it anyway. I mean, the election and the World Series would have been known to everyone as upcoming events. The teams in the World Series were known by then. And there would be so many yayhoos and goofballs making predictions about those events,” Dr. Roach said, leaning back in his chair and laughing, “though I suppose I could start with the texts written in all caps!
“I hope to find out whether someone was choosing to monkey with a pivotal presidential election, or whether the outcome of a World Series somehow mattered more. Were they here for both? And I’ve alerted my colleagues about what a convergence towards 0 might mean. I assume they are going back and looking at their data sets. I wish they would tell me, but they’ve gotten very quiet lately. Not returning messages. I presume they are quite busy.
“The thought experiment with time travel is difficult, but I’ve got an academic reputation to maintain. Ask yourself, hypothetically, what would people who have the ability to alter past events do with such technology? Alter world history for better or worse, but wouldn’t that affect their present situation? Or try to answer some of the biggest questions we have about history so they could make a better future for themselves? Recover lost works? But it seems that I’m destined to write a research paper saying some future techno-assclown has an intense personal dislike of Razorback Football.”
While showing this reporter out due to an expiring campus parking meter, Dr. Roach pledged to continue his investigation. Dr. Roach wondered aloud whether university funding would allow his research to continue, in the hopes of witnessing another convergence to 0. “Moving to underneath the Greek Theater here, which lacks air conditioning, as well as heating, was a negotiated move to reduce costs. I moved out of the Science & Engineering building a few years back. I wear the Razorback sweatshirt and bow tie in case someone from the Dean’s Office comes down here, but nothing yet. I still need to publish, but on the plus side I no longer have to teach or interact with the students.”
The downfall of Coach Bobby Petrino remains one of the most infamous moments in Razorback football history. Other excruciating moments that Razorback fans don’t like to think about include:
The 1969 “Big Shootout” against Texas, in Fayetteville:
The 1998 game at Tennessee:
[Editor’s Note: As this story was going to press, Radio Free Ozarks received word of the tragic passing of Dr. Roach in a fiery single-car automobile accident on the evening of March 30, 2022. Per an Arkansas State Police spokesperson, Dr. Roach most likely dozed off while driving south on I-49 towards his home near Winslow. Dr. Roach was likely killed instantly when his car plunged into Gum Spring Hollow. There were no passengers with him and no witnesses to the accident. Radio Free Ozarks extends our condolences to Dr. Roach’s family, friends, and colleagues. In honor of Dr. Roach and his decades of research and commitment to science, Radio Free Ozarks has chosen to publish our original article.]