A RADIO FREE OZARKS EXCLUSIVE ANGRY SATIRE
ARKANSAS GOP UNVEILS NEW CALL CENTER FOR DIRECTING TRUMP JUDGES IN CASE DECISIONS
DOYLE WEBB: “WE WILL CALL THEM AND GODDAMNED WELL TELL THEM WHAT THEIR DECISION WILL BE”
By Dr. Fred Potato
Radio Free Ozarks Editor
March 17th, 2022
Arkansas GOP Chairman Doyle Webb proudly unveiled a new Republican Judges Call Center in Little Rock on Tuesday. Originally intended only for judges in the south-central United States, the call center’s scope has expanded significantly prior to its official opening. While the emphasis remains on assisting the young Federalist Society judges in the region who were nominated for the bench by President Donald Trump, its services are now available nationwide to all jurists who are helping to turn the country into a right-wing authoritarian state.
During a brief tour, Webb explained that the hotline is not a traditional phone line, rather it works over the secure, encrypted Signal app. Judges nationwide, many of whom are young and unqualified after being thrust onto the bench during the Trump administation, are able to receive instruction straight from the GOP on how to rule in the cases that come before them. The 4,000-square-foot office, located near the Richard Sheppard Arnold US Courthouse in central Little Rock, can accommodate a staff of 20, although Webb noted that nearly all of the on-call employees are still working from their homes or bunkers or campers.
“This week was our official opening, but we’ve been unofficially open for several weeks now, working the kinks out,” a beaming Webb said. “We kicked things off on Monday, right at noontime, and not two minutes later I was so surprised to get our very first call, from Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, thanking us for setting up the hotline and wishing us well. I worked in his office when he was chair of the EEOC, and he is a mentor and basically like a kindly uncle to me. I always called him ‘Uncle Thomas’.
“But he wished us well and said he will not hesitate to give us a call if he needs our help. Heck, I know he usually zones out during the oral arguments. But it was so good to catch up for a few minutes. He said he plans to stay on the bench until he’s 100. He said his health is holding up well enough but his gall bladder is still acting up. As he put it, he has to sleep sitting up so he doesn’t drown in his own bile.”
The office itself is plain, unremarkable, and unmarked from the outside. Beige cubicles populated the open office call center area. Newsmax and One America News Network were quietly being shown on large-screen TVs at one end. A poster of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh hung in the entry vestibule. In a glass-walled conference room there was a dry erase board with “Trump Restoration 2022” and “January 6th – Prosecute the Investigators” written at the top. Contact information for leading conservative think tanks and A-list Republican bomb-throwers was also written on the board, including Signal numbers for Ronna McDaniel, Newt Gingrich, Karl Rove, Tom Cotton, Wendy Rogers, and Lindsey Graham. A small bronze bust of Ronald Reagan, with an American flag handkerchief tied around his head and covering his eyes and ears, sat on a pedestal in the corner. No law books, nor any book of any kind, was seen during the tour.
“This is the deal,” Webb said. “We get them a lifetime appointment, a lifetime salary, benefits, pension, and they rule how we want them to rule. And if they are unsure, if there’s any doubt at all, we tell them to call us, and we will tell them how to rule. And if they don’t call us, we will call them and goddamned well tell them what their decision will be. Facts, established law, legal precedent, common sense, [and] right and wrong be damned. And (expletive) their feelings.”
Aside from Webb, only one other person was seen in the office that day. US District Judge Lee Rudofsky was spotted eating a pulled pork sandwich in one of the cubicles. Rudofsky, presiding over the District Court for the Eastern District of Arkansas, was nominated to the federal bench in 2019 by Donald Trump despite questionable credentials. Rudofsky seemed startled by this reporter’s appearance, and he quickly chomped down the last bites of his sandwich and scurried out the door.
Webb laughed at Rudofsky’s abrupt departure. “Well thanks. I thought he’d never leave. He needs bathe more often. He expects us to buy him lunch every day now. Delivered from Whole Hog Cafe. We had some late nights writing out the opinion for him in the redistricting case. Smashes all previous precedent and settled law to get our partisan, ideological interests ahead of the US Constitution. Disenfranchising all those people here in Little Rock. God, I get an erection just thinking about it.
“Some of these young judges, God bless them, were put on the bench with zero experience. Kids, basically. When the Federalist Society was making their list of judicial candidates for President Trump, the only requirements were being an angry, young, heterosexual, hard-right conservative white male. Being born into wealth with an immense sense of entitlement were also big factors. Any other possible factors, [like] experience, merit, attitude, reading ability, grasp of reality, being a registered sexual offender, etc. were frankly not a consideration.
“Some of these new judges, heck, they still live at home with their moms and they want to play video games all night. We aren’t a goddamn wake-up call service, so we’ve had to lecture and frighten a few moms about making sure junior gets showered and fed and driven to the courthouse on time.
“A few of the kids have called to say that some of the female attorneys appearing in their courtroom are really attractive, and they’ve asked about the protocols for trying to score with them. We’ve paternally explained that it would be highly improper for them to proposition an attorney appearing before them, so instead we’ll reach out and contact that attorney privately on their behalf. We’ve had to be a traffic cop at times, as sometimes the horndogs are horning in on the same law-honey. A few times we’ve have to crush some wet dreams and tell a judge that the conservative agenda has to win out over any hot piece of (behind). Cry me a river, and sometimes they do just that.
“It’s unfortunate, really, that the hottest lawyer-babes are almost always representing radical left-wing communist ideas like civil rights, equality, all that flowery kumbaya bullcrap. More often than not, our female litigators, the corporatists, the fascists, the ones wanting guns and Jesus everywhere, they are some mean, jilted, old spinster battle-axes. Just plain unpleasant to be around, let me tell you. Our judges have whined they are reminded of their moms and want to cower under the bench. But they have to rule the way we (expletive) tell them to rule, even if it gets, uh, ugly.
“Part of the problem is that our new judges won’t have the initiative to give us a call. So we’ve had to set up Outlook reminders and make some calls ahead of some important rulings. And of course it usually leads to us writing some of the decisions for them. Some of them just don’t have the executive function yet, some are just plain lazy, and a few are basically (expletive) idiots. Most of them prefer to send us a text, which is mostly fine, but sometimes we have to call them and ask ‘What in the hell are you trying to ask us?’
“We’ve had a few of the old-time fossils on the federal bench call in, during a recess right before they’re supposed to issue a ruling, and they ask us ‘Which way do I rule to help us Republicans?’ Retired-in-place, you might say. But we’ve gotten the old guys out of the ditch. We ask that they don’t call while court is in actual session, but…,” Webb said, shrugging. “Honestly, it can be confusing at times. Some party in a lawsuit may be secretly owned by one of our billionaire oligarchs.”
On the way out, Webb pointed at the poster in the entryway. “I called Brett Kavanaugh a couple of months ago, hoping he might be persuaded to visit and cut the ribbon. He didn’t seem to understand who I was or why I was calling. He answered ‘Who the (expletive) is this!?’ I barely got an introduction out before he screamed obscenities at me hung up the phone,” Webb chuckled. “I could only sit back and think ‘well, Trump sure picked the right guy.’ Brett is certainly our spirit animal for everything we do here.”
In the parking lot, Webb strangely did not mince words when asked how this sizable operation was being funded. “Charles Koch gave us the money,” Webb flatly stated. “More than what we asked for. A lot more. At least 20 years worth.”