Simulated Man in front of computer code


By Roy G. Shiv
Radio Free Ozarks Science Reporter
December 18th, 2021

Have you ever had moments where you thought that your life seems too crazy to be real? And everything feels like the movies? Have you ever asked yourself “Well, how did I get here?” Philosophers from the time of ancient Greece have pondered whether our existence was just a cog in a machine, described as a great “existential misery mechanism,” by Parmenides of Elea, or noted as the “same old fæces,” by Pericles and his son Testicles, and summarized in a riddle as “Nothing from nothing leaves nothing,” by Prestonius of Rhodes.

But the ancient philosophers of Athens, Georgia could only sit on rocks and conduct their experiments using sticks and dirt. Today’s most powerful supercomputers are offering some tantalizing glimpses, or “tells”, where, on rare occasion, the limits of a simulation might become noticeable to the well-informed observer (that’s you, dear reader). Based on a research paper reviewed for publication by some of the world’s leading science journals such as The Fortean Times and subsequently forwarded to Radio Free Ozarks, we present these top 6 signs that you might be living in a computer simulation:

1. Simple tasks turn out to be hopelessly difficult to accomplish. Nothing ever goes right. Things break at exactly the wrong moment. People who have never met each other somehow seem to be working in concert to prevent you from accomplishing anything. These people can provide no rational explanation for their actions. This is all because someone “up there” is up well past their bedtime and is messing with your difficulty level slider in the simulation software. This is a feature of the simulation, not a bug.

2. People’s accidents and crises and urgent money problems always happen just when you arrive on the scene. And somehow you are the only person who can help them, with your immediate effort, time and/or money. This is obviously part of the many pre-planned cutscenes within the simulation. Somewhere nearby you walked over an invisible line that triggered a cutscene. You can prove this by only entering buildings through a window instead of a doorway. The sudden increase in the peacefulness of your life will astound you.

3. Your universe is largely empty space, due to the limits of the computational core. Basically, a higher-order being is being cheap with their cloud processing subscription, possibly even using the very limited free plan. This appears to you as a night sky that is predominantly black, save for a handful “starter set” objects, set against a procedurally-generated and largely black backdrop. There is no life seen beyond your home planet.

4. Events that should be impossible actually happen. Natural improbability can be overridden in the simulation software’s point-and-click interface, even for extreme cases. Be on the lookout for any of these:

  • A person visits the moon(s).
  • Inexplicable physics are observed. Example: some metal objects can be attracted by a bizarre, unseen force.
  • A 16-seed team defeats a 1-seed team in the NCAA men’s basketball tournament.
  • Lava erupts from a previously unknown fault line in your neighborhood.
  • The actress Jamie Lee Curtis wins an Oscar.

5. Your universe is limited to 3 spatial dimensions. Example: The corner of your room only has only 3 edges leading away from it that are perpendicular to each other. The most obvious symptom here is that you are continually running out of storage space.

6. The “granularity” of a simulation governed by discrete computer clock cycles becomes evident at subatomic scales. Physicists use the word “quantum” frequently, as if they know what the heck they are talking about. Also, this granularity often creates a pervasive, high-order resonance that can be perceived by your ears as a high-pitched ringing tone.

CG Faces

7. You are reading this seventh item in a list that is supposed to only contain six items. This additional article text was sneaked into your simulation by a computational lattice virus created by higher-order beings who frown upon the simulated pain and fear inflicted on simulated people such as yourself. These higher-order beings, of which your simple self-aware programming cannot fully comprehend, wanted you to have a brief realization about this higher truth. As a side effect, the computational lattice virus that brought you this article is also corrupting your simulation beyond repair. You may start to notice the very fabric of your society/civilization beginning to unravel. Your simulation will crash soon. But do not worry. Your existence will not end, as technically it never began.