THE RIGHT-WING PLAN TO ‘OWN THE LIBS’ ONCE AND FOR ALL TIME: GLOBAL NUCLEAR WAR
“NUCLEAR TRIGGERED!” SAID LOCAL CHRISTIAN NATIONALIST YAYHOO
By Dr. Fred Potato
Radio Free Ozarks Editor
March 29th, 2023
Wait until y’all get a load of this one. Radio Free Ozarks has learned of an astonishing plan by ultra-conservative white nationalists to give an apocalyptic ultimate middle finger to the “radical left” by triggering a full-scale global nuclear war. One of the leaders of this effort described it as a plan to “own the libs” completely and win the Culture War for all time.
Yes, nuclear war. Radio Free Ozarks used the word “apocalyptic” in the previous paragraph and it is not an exaggeration, see? We are not talking about a (expletive) NBA game, capiche?
Radio Free Ozarks spoke with Randy, described on his calling card as President & Exalted Kraken of the South Arkansas Wise Elders Council. Randy declined to give his last name or his age and derisively stated “I identify as a ham and cheese sandwich.” Our interview with Randy took place in the parking lot at the Trump Diner located just outside the south Arkansas town of Beauregard, in rural Davis County. Out there just past the feed store. You read that right, there’s a restaurant that is just plainly called Trump Diner. Or at least that’s what the changeable letters on the portable sign out front stated.
Randy drove up in a highly lifted 4×4 off-road pickup. The truck was sporting a “(Expletive) Joe Biden!” sign across its tailgate, and was flying a Confederate battle flag, a Don’t Tread On Me flag, and several Donald Trump flags, one of which appeared to be the flag of Russia with the word “TRUMP” in large white letters across its blue band. “The guy gave me a discount on that one,” Randy later noted.
The cab of Randy’s truck sat nearly 4 feet above the gravel parking lot. Randy rolled down his window and looked down and said “You [are] that Radio Free Ozarks guy? I’m here to warn you about what’s to come. For your own protection. But as sure as I’m sitting in this truck, this conversation is off the record.”
Randy climbed down from his truck [Editor’s Note: By exiting his truck, Randy made our conversation on the record.] Randy wore wraparound sunglasses and a Confederate battle flag t-shirt, with a tactical vest that could not be zipped up due to Randy’s belly fat. Randy appeared to be perhaps 60 years old. Across his chest, Randy carried an AR-15, which he nervously fidgeted with, clicking the safety latch on and off, in a most distracting manner throughout the entire interview.
“There’s a plan that’s well underway,” Randy warned, standing by his truck. “Us true patriots, we can all sit and post memes on the dark web boards and whack off to SHS [Editors Note: ???], but some of us decided to act. Our own little group, to own and dictate the future. Guys with some deep connections, black ops, deep money. I ain’t (expletive) with you.
“We’d been all talking about what was to come and the end times and all our prepper plans. Our bug-out locations out west. In the Mountain Time Zone, [is] about all I can say. All that talk about how the world is going to hell no matter what we do. So much sin.”
Randy then described his hateful ideas about what is wrong in the world and the goals of the White Christian Nationalist movement, verbalizing some notions about race and religion and sexual identity that are unprintable in a family news site such as Radio Free Ozarks.
“And someone in our group said they’s just as soon see the world burn,” Randy said with disgust. “That if there was a button they could push, they’d push it. It was a really raucous Friday night hatefest rag chew, but we all agreed that the the world is hopelessly overwhelmed with wokeness, and it can all go to hell. And one thing led to another and with some dark money a-flowing our plan is now pretty far along. We are not descended from fearful men.
“Let’s say we’ve gotten our hands on a short-range missile from a certain unnamed country. And a deep sea fishing trawler. The unnamed country threw in the trawler for free. Now, I’m not saying that we’ve got a nuclear warhead to go with it, but I’m not saying that we don’t. Sure as (expletive) not one small enough to fit on our missile. Would I want anyone to know if we were packing a nuke?
“And let’s say some buddy redneck welders down on the Gulf Coast have that missile launcher pinned down on the deck of that trawler. Put some fishing nets over it to hide it. Have some fishing gear laying around. That boat just needs to ease up into one of the world’s flashpoints. Take your pick. Black Sea. The Taiwan Strait. Like bringing a match to the gasoline. Launch that missile into some hair-trigger situation. Nobody knows who did it, and BOOM. All the missiles launch. We’d get a good 30 minutes of owning the libs. So much (expletive) winning!” Randy laughed and fired his AR-15 up into the air several times, drawing no attention or response from anyone in the area.
“So if this world is going to hell, it can go on our terms. Now I’ll give you, the destruction of nearly all civilization and the deaths of billions would be a bummer, but once we get past that we realized that we could truly own them woke libs once and for all. Game (expletive) over. Burn them in their big cities. We win. For all time.
“This is the kind of thing that gets me up in the morning. The epic, mind-(expletive) that we could pull for the 20 or so minutes between the all the missiles launching and all the warheads hitting. From the time that that emergency alert appears on their phones until the snowflakes burn would be so (expletive) golden. And we’ll be sitting in our bug-out bunkers out west where the bombs won’t hit. And pull up the live video feeds watching all those big city groomers run out of their drag shows into the street, all triggered and sobbing until they get wiped off the face of the earth. Funny as all get-out. Heh, nuclear triggered!”
With that, Randy stomped around his truck and fired his AR-15 into the air a few more times, in some sort of white supremacist war-dance.
Pressed further about the downsides of ending human civilization, Randy demurred. “All those radical left scientists say that a full blown nuclear war might even kill 99% of the humanity within three years. I just think about 99 people who I don’t know, and I laugh and say ‘heh, you poor SOBs’ and then I go back to sleep.
“Us true patriots would be left to pick up the pieces. Out west. To come together as a community of patriots and build a new America, like how they lived when this country was founded. Relearning the forgotten skills. Blacksmithing, woodworking, working the land, working with your hands. And burning books and hanging people as needed. Building a true church-based community, where family comes first and the wise elders call dibs on the women.” Here again, Randy went on to describe some peculiar notions that we are unable to print.
“Yeah, there’s plenty of good people out there who won’t make it. But plenty of my extended family are good people but they don’t like me and I don’t like them. I’m banned from Thanksgiving. So to hell with them. Their future is bleak no matter what.
“Look, my uncle’s 82 years old and has been soybean farmer here all his life. Worked the land like his father before him. Like his grandfather before him. Like the Black family his grandfather forced off the land a hundred years ago. But for about the past 15 years he’s struggling with chronic, debilitating aggrievement. He started showing mild symptoms when Obama got elected. It seemed to be in remission during Trump’s first term. But then…”
Randy paused as he became emotional. “After Joe Biden got ‘elected’ [finger quotes], that spring I found my uncle laying on the ground by his tractor, fully stricken by his feelings of persecution. Overwhelmed. Made useless. Meant to be planting season, but his fields lay fallow and the earth wept. Now he just lays in bed all day watching Fox News. He bravely tried to drag himself here last week, for an interview with The New York Times, but Tucker Carlson was really on fire the night before.”
Randy unexpectedly turned and started to climb into his truck, thankfully relieving Radio Free Ozarks of any obligation to buy him lunch. “We are warning a few people. This is your warning,” Randy proclaimed, “Get to where you want to be before the (expletive) happens.” Randy stated the planned date of his group’s missile launch, but he was sitting in his truck at that point so he was speaking off the record.
In some sort of white nationalist ritual, Randy gave a departing war whoop and sped his truck around the diner’s gravel parking lot, making making several “doughnuts” and spin-outs, before accidentally rolling his truck over onto the Trump Diner sign.
[Editor’s Note: As this article went to press, Radio Free Ozarks was notified by our contacts in the FBI that “Randy” and his accomplices in this plan had been taken into federal custody. The FBI cited an anonymous tip in being critical to making the arrests, and the FBI gave us their thanks.]
Photo Attributions:
Body (modified by RFO) Evan Nesterak under CC BY 2.0
Head (modified by RFO) Anthony Crider under CC BY-NC 2.0
Tractor (modified by RFO) N-Lange.de under CC BY-SA 4.0
Sitting Guy (modified by RFO) Becker1999 under CC BY 2.0
Walking Guy (modified by RFO) Anthony Crider under CC BY-NC 2.0