Promo Banner for "Lying My Ass Off"



By Dr. Fred Potato
Radio Free Ozarks Editor
April 21st, 2022

Radio Free Ozarks has learned of a second memoir to be penned by gubernatorial candidate Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and to be published in the early fall by St. Morton’s Press. A draft of a press release and a mockup of the cover artwork and promotional banner for this second book were recently created and stored on the publisher’s secure encrypted server. Our nephew accessed these documents using the new Pegasus 3.0 spyware obtained by dark web torrent download.

The press release includes promotional quotes from Sanders, as though someone was able to ask her to explain herself. Those quotes are reproduced here:

“I don’t apologize for my first book, Speaking for Myself, where I made myself the hero of so many White House situations and even opened the book by describing racist-as-f*** white nationalist Stephen Miller as ‘one of the funniest, most passionate, and thoughtful people in the building.’ Heck, I painted every spook and kook and klansman in the White House as warm and wonderful. Unless the president fired them later, of course. And I certainly related my victimhood complex at the hands of the White House Press Corps. I described everything in extremes and generalizations. Everything (see, there I go again). Plus, my pathological need to gain Donald Trump’s affection and approval came through loud and clear.

“And oh lordy, if it were a movie there certainly wouldn’t be any speaking parts for Black people (did you just write ‘black’ with a capital B? Why did you do that?) But as I’ve been traveling the state these past few months doing my no-press-allowed campaign events, I’ve heard from people who have some quibbles with my first book. A few of my very own supporters have complained about my selective memory and my glossing over every bad, hateful decision by blaming others – 9 times out of 10 the evil press. And some of my biggest Christian supporters have demanded an explanation on how anything I have said and done is compatible with the teachings of Jesus. I’m told that’s the red text in the Gospels, which apparently are towards the back of the Bible.

“So hey, why not set the record straighter while raking in a big cash advance arranged by dark money interests? The second volume of my memoirs will revisit my time in the White House and will be titled Lying My Ass Off: The Things I Did and Will Do for Donald Trump. The title is my way of sticking it to the haters, the late-night comedians, and the satirists. I’m still writing it, but spoilers ahead, I will be using my kids as props again. I will tackle lie after lie, in chronological order, and give my side and provide a rationalization or, more likely twist it around to attack the left. And I will explain how it is all necessary to fight our battle of good versus evil. In a pinch I’ll quote a Bible verse to gloss things over. Or just blame the evil press again.

Cover Artwork for "Lying My Ass Off"
The draft of the press release notes “Cover Art and Promotional Banner Art Not Final”
(St. Morton’s Press, via nephew)

“Plus, I can undo my previous praise for Mike Pence while dismissing or maybe just outright ignoring the events of January 6th, 2021. And throw in a few paragraphs about Stephanie Grisham. But I’ve only just started writing it, and there are certainly some whoppers that cannot be justified in any way or warped into self-victimhood. Those will be left as an exercise for my readers. A girl’s gotta have some secrets, right?

“But don’t get me wrong. Everything I’ve said before still stands. No takey-backs. There’s no Come to Jesus moment because this preacher’s daughter has always been standing with Him. Don’t even think about calling, Oprah. And let’s just say I’ve been promised that my new book will appear on the bestseller lists, just like the first.

“To end the book I’ll be writing a very special epilogue, where I admit that I have trouble with pronouncing my home state’s name. I always called it ‘Ar-Kansas’ when I was growing up, from as far back as I can remember, and I don’t like saying it the way that I’m told. Wasn’t the state created when the Kansas Territory was divided up into states? Isn’t ‘Ar-Kansas’ Injun-speak for ‘South Kansas’? Well then why is it spelled ‘Ar-Kansas’ but pronounced ‘Ar-kan…’ no I can’t quite say it. Not feeling it today. This is certainly something I will circle back to when I am governor.”

At press time, St. Morton’s Press denied that any such memoir was forthcoming.

Photo Attributions:
SHSGage Skidmore (Modified by RFO) CC BY-SA 2.0