SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS, MIKE LINDELL ANNOUNCE NEW ‘IN-CELL FOAMTM’ MYPILLOW FACTORY OPENING NEAR BLYTHEVILLE
LINDELL TOUTS FIRM, ABSORPTIVE BODY PILLOW, GIVES DISCOUNT CODE TO GET OFF (?)
By Dr. Fred Potato
Radio Free Ozarks Editor
November 20th, 2021
MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell made a brief appearance at the Arkansas Aeroplex near Blytheville on Wednesday to announce the opening of a new MyPillow factory at the site. The factory, to be located in an existing, 33,000-square-foot surplus building located at the site of the former Eaker Air Force Base, is expected to be operational within 90 days and is expected to create up to 15 new jobs.
Republican gubernatorial candidate Sarah Huckabee Sanders briefly introduced Lindell’s news conference and announced the project on behalf of the Arkansas Economic Development Commission, an unusual proclamation for a political candidate who has not yet been sworn into office nor even elected.
Sanders stated that the project will receive an Advantage Arkansas income tax credit as well as regional infrastructure grants to upgrade the utilities at the site. Sanders praised the AEDC grants and the speed in which they were approved, noting “Deuteronomy 6:6 states ‘And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart.’ Donald Trump commanded this, and so it shall be.”
Lindell opened his remarks by praising the location, near I-55 and next to an airport that can accommodate cargo flights. “Honestly, we were running out of places to locate this factory. The country is facing labor shortages and frankly a lot of places wanted nothing to do with us. They’d hang up on me or not return my calls. I’d have Tommy here make the phone calls but they’d figure it out eventually. I visited President Trump at Mar-a-Lago last month. I was there to talk about the military, but I mentioned this problem with the new factory to him. I was like Johnny Fontane in The Godfather. Anyone get that reference anymore? Anyone?” Lindell asked. “But President Trump, my friend Donald, said to me ‘I’ll text Sarah and get this taken care of’ and here we are today. I look forward to opening this factory in another month, and I look forward to giving one of these MyPillows to the President, in the White House, once the Supreme Court makes its inevitable ruling. But hey, let me tell you about my new wonderful MyPillow.”
“I know a lot of you are like me. I spend all day trying to overturn the biggest crime in the history of the United States, making veiled threats to elections officials and going on news shows and podcasts and talking to anyone who will give me airtime. It’s a lonely existence,” Lindell lamented, his voice briefly breaking. “I come home at the end of the day, and most nights my pillow is my best and maybe only friend. That’s right, MyPillow is there for me whether I want to kick it across the room or go to sleep on it or do something else to it. Now, I have spoken with many groups of like-minded people at the Stop the Steal rallies, the Proud Boys, and I know that there are millions of guys out there just like me,” Lindell said, as his narrative began sounding like one of his vocally-booming commercials.
“I was so inspired by our common interests and common bond that I created an entirely new type of MyPillow,” Lindell loudly declared. “Our very first body pillow, made with the new cutting-edge Infused Foam Cell technology. That’s right, Infused Cell Foam, made by DuPont under their In-Cell trademark, provides superior support and absorption, with a firm shape that feels great against your body. DuPont currently only has one machine that can make this foam and I’ve bought their entire production run for the next year. We’ll be making them in a variety of, uh, thicknesses. We think the demand for my new In-Cell MyPillow is going to be huge and we’re opening a brand new factory to make them, right here in, uh, Blythe-ville and Gos-nell. Thanks to our automated production process we will have this factory up and running in 90 days. By God’s grace we will make it happen.
“Guys will love this pillow so much they’ll quickly want another one. At our website we’ll be rolling out a subscription service,” Lindell continued, nearly yelling and his forehead starting to glisten with sweat. “We can deliver a brand new In-Cell MyPillow right to your door every week or two. And I’m excited to say we now have an exclusive promo code code for preorders. Use the promo code SANDERS at our web site to get off.” A momentarily flustered Lindell paused to don his reading glasses and check his notes. “That’s right, use the promo code to get 40% off on preorders. Only at MyPillow.com. Thank you. Thanks for being here today. Trump won!”
After another awkward pause, Lindell stepped away from the microphones but could briefly be heard speaking to his lone associate through the open microphone. “I never want to see one more (expletive) field growing rice again as long as I live. Memphis. Steakhouse. Strip club. Airport. Go,” Lindell said as he and the aide got into their rental sedan and squealed its tires as they pulled away. As per her custom, Sanders did not take any questions or answer shouted questions. She and her State Police motorcade were soon speeding back south on I-55.