BREAKING: ARKANSAS STATE POLICE TO PUSH NEW “ANTIFA ALERTS” TO YOUR CELL PHONE IN 2024
YOU CAN OPT OUT, BUT WHY (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD) WOULD YOU WANT TO?
By Dr. Fred Potato
Radio Free Ozarks Senior Editor
January 21st, 2024
Arkansas residents will soon be able to receive “Antifa Alert” push notifications on their cell phones should, Lord have mercy, the need arise. Starting on February 1, 2024, the alerts can be issued at the direction of the Arkansas State Police to warn all God-fearing Arkansans of any left-wing radicals coming to your town to wreak havoc and destruction and threaten the public order. Everyone thankfully will be opted in, at least initially, to receive the alerts, allowing all true patriots to keep their focus on the fight for America.
Colonel Larry Nonnock, Director of the Arkansas State Police, made the welcome announcement at state police headquarters, in Little Rock, in a press conference held last Tuesday. Col. Nonnock was joined by a number of law enforcement officials from around the state, plus an even greater number of unidentified individuals who dressed like the police but bore no actual badges or identifying insignia.
Also present with the officers was a chimpanzee named Reagan, who apparently is in training to be a School Ambassador for the State Police’s Office of Public Relations. Unlike the docile, juvenile chimps commonly seen in movies and on TV, Reagan appeared to be fully grown. Reagan wore only a state trooper hat and a choke chain.
“Heading into election season, we do not intend to have a repeat of 2020, where mass rioting resulted in the complete destruction of several of the northern ‘blue state’ cities,” Col. Nonnock stated, shaking his head. “We got lucky here, as our citizen militias quickly took over the downtown areas to protect them, some cutting down 100-year old oak trees to block the streets. Antifa must have got the message and turned the buses around, because they never showed up. But I have it on good Facebook authority that George Soros is again planning to try to send busloads of paid agitators into Central Arkansas during this 2024 election year, to wreak havoc and destroy property and try to impregnate our daughters. We will not allow that to happen.”
At this first mention of Antifa, the chimpanzee Reagan jumped up and down and shrieked. A quick yank on his choke chain by his trooper handler settled the ape back down, at least temporarily.
“The price of patriotism is eternal vigilance,” Col Nonnock further grandstanded. “These alerts will give us the upper hand, and our local militias can come out first and show some justice to these scumbags with axe handles and hot lead. We do not need these lawless immigrants coming into our communities, trying to smash everything and burn down the courthouses and scatter fentanyl into the air we breathe. Antifa wants to send belligerents into our town? Well, the Arkansas State Police know how to do belligerence.”
At this second mention of Antifa, Reagan screeched loudly and struggled against his chain. An unidentified state trooper gave Reagan a canister of pepper spray to hold. This calmed Reagan greatly, and he alternated between examining the pepper spray canister and pointing it at the assembled reporters.
Lieutenant Shad Annus, ASP Deputy Director for Technology, addressed some of the technical aspects of implementing the new alerts. “We thank Arkansas’ many wireless providers for allowing this enhanced use of the National Wireless Emergency Alert System. Their cooperation was crucial to protecting America, and crucial to their continued business licensing and operating permits within our great state. Some nice infrastructure they have there. All those cables and huts and towers.”
An ASP press release handout from Lt. Annus filled in some other details of the new system. The new Antifa Alert category would be similar to the Amber Alerts and the Severe Weather Alerts that cell phone users can already receive. Severe Weather Alerts fall under the larger category called Extreme and Severe Threat Alerts, and the new Antifa Alerts would similarly fall under this category. Like the Amber Alerts and Severe Weather Alerts, the new Antifa Alerts could be targeted to specific geographic areas, targeted right down to the county, city, and white neighborhood levels.
Less well known are Presidential Alerts, which are used at times of national emergencies and are issued only by the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA). There is also the separate Emergency Alert System that delivers alerts to radio and television broadcasts, which absolutely no one is listening to or watching anymore.
Cell phone users are initially opted in to receive all alerts. While cell phone users can, through their phone settings, opt out of receiving the Amber Alerts and the Extreme and Severe Threat Alerts, Presidential Alerts cannot be disabled unless your phone is already off or has already been smashed on the ground by a paid provocateur [Editor’s Note: $9 word]. Or you live in a cave, or have an approved Faraday cage. Or are on a long phone call, possibly to your mistress or minister, or both, when the alert is issued. Got all that?
The Presidential Alert system has sent out test messages on two occasions, most recently in October 2023. Curiously, President Donald Trump did not make use of the Presidential Alert system during his last year in office. Maybe no one told him about it.
So, at present time cell phone owners can opt out of the new Antifa Alerts. Lt. Annus expressed some confusion about why any righteous citizens of the Natural State would want to do so. “If Antifa tries to trick or pay people into opting out of these alerts, we’d certainly look into, through court order or executive order, making these alerts like the Presidential Alerts, where people could not opt out of receiving them. Public safety comes first. Conforming to societal norms comes first.”
Reagan shrieked loudly at this third mention of Antifa, but his handler quickly started scratching Reagan’s back and whispering soothing words to keep the ape calm. Reagan thankfully relaxed, and he began to gently pleasure himself.
Col. Nonnock expanded on the ASP’s plans for 2024. “We’re going to keep our eyes on all the roads leading into our state from the liberal blue cities. We’re obviously focused like a laser 24/7 on I-40 out of Memphis, but also keeping close watch on I-55 coming from St. Louis or, God forbid, Chicago. But we’ll also keep an eye on our backside, so to speak. Kansas City is now four lanes all the way down on I-49, and that’s a real concern.
“Look, we know that George Soros is actively recruiting lowlifes from the urban inner cities, promising them money and days of rampage. We have a plan to have our State Police helicopter in the air within 15 minutes of any social media reports of any busloads of agitators, confirmed or unconfirmed. Our highway patrolmen will be fully ready to go at a moment’s notice. We will shut the interstates down. And we’ve got a bonus pool going for the first trooper to successfully pull off a PIT maneuver on a school bus.”
Col. Nonnock concluded by saying that while the alerts would be issued under the authority of the Arkansas State Police, based on specific state police intelligence like Ring cameras or a preponderance of social media scuttlebutt, Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders would also have the ability to send the alerts directly from her personal cell phone.
“The Arkansas State Police works for her,” Nonnock added. “She’s our boss.”
With that, the press conference ended. Inexplicably, Reagan was let off his chain. He hissed and bared his teeth and chased all reporters out of the building.